So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
did i walk over a car last night?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
