and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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