totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
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This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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