i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
