Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
