What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
