It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
