i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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