Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
