I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
