i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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