I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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