I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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