Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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