This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
