nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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