did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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