Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my being single is dangerous.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
