why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
