New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
