there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
