Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
This house was built for laser tag.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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