She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
