If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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