VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
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two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
that may or may not have been my penis.
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