who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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