I just pynch a tree in the face
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
