i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
did i walk over a car last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
