A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
