Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize