Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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