The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
