The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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