There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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