i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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