Dual....:-)
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
