i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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