New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Text me some of your sweat
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