Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
