If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
