sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
