I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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