We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
