Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I intend to get homeless drunk
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
