im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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