Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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