Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
