i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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