i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
