Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
