I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
