this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
