He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
