Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
