Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
