I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Green mimosas i think yes
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
