you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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